Tonight, the Sixers are in Minnesota looking to avoid going 0-18 and tying the (very recent, no one really bothers to point this out) 2009-10 New Jersey Nets as the losing-est team to start a season. Win or lose, this is one of those nights where you might want to kick back a few, wondering whether you’re watching a historically bad team, a really bad team, or a really bad team who narrowly avoided a historically bad start but still has the potential to end the season as a historically bad team. (But, Dario Saric!) So without adieu, we present Hoop76’s Official Drinking Game for the 2014-15 Sixers.
The rules are simple. Grab a beverage (or seven) and take a sip every time …
-An opponent takes a wide-open corner 3. (Limit five per game. We’re not trying to murder you.)
-Tony Wroten attempts a shot between the 3-point arc and the foul line, an area of the court he only sees in dreams and strange daytime visions, but that his teammates insist is really there.
-Zumoff and Malik are flummoxed as to why the home crowd would boo a former Sixer. I refuse to believe that Zumoff didn’t get why the crowd was booing Evan Turner other than for TV-mandated purposes.
-Michael Carter-Williams throws his hands up in frustration, as if he’s just entered a bowling alley and all the lanes are reserved for league night.
-A family member or friend screams “NOOOOOOOOOO!” as Luc Mbah a Moute drives to the basket. (Drink again when he misses. Take a shot if he makes it.)
-Henry Sims hits an open jumper and you find yourself thinking, “you know, this kid may be a real piece some day.”
-The 76ers don’t play defense on an opponent inbounding the ball with five seconds left in the quarter, naturally assuming that’s not nearly enough time to get a shot off.
-Sixers Facebook posts an update about how the Sixers are ONLY down by [insert number below 15].
-Nerlens Noel attempts to catch a lob as if he’s wearing a pair of Hulk Hands.
-Malik mentions a funny thing that happened to him on the way to the game.
-Robert Covington air-balls a heat check, and air-balls the heat check of the air-ball.
-Brett Brown pulls an official aside to ask just what all that’s about. (Limit two per quarter.)
-Drew Gordon enters a game and exits two minutes later with a +/- of -5 or worse.
-The camera cuts to the opponent’s bench having the time of their lives and/or resting for the next game.
-A Sixer enters the game and you have no idea who the fuck they are.
-Malik refers to Jakarr Sampson as “Samsonite,” unknowingly linking one of Mad Men’s best episodes with one of the Sixers’ worst players.
-K.J. McDaniels reminds the home crowd that they’re watching a professional basketball game with a dunk that would destroy social media as we know it if he played for any other team.
BONUS POST-GAME DRINK OPPORTUNITY: Flip over to ESPN after the game and drink every time they isolate the absolute worst Sixers’ plays of the night for their highlight reel, followed by the comment, “Who shoots air-balls and commits turnovers on every single possession of the game like Philly did tonight, amirite?”
By now you’re buzzed at best, but more likely unconscious, especially if you flipped to ESPN. We continue.
Take a shot every time …
-Molly Sullivan doesn’t notice when, out of halftime, Brett Brown seamlessly transitions from discussing the game to discussing the new Star Wars trailer.
-During that interview, Brett says something along the lines of, “You know, I remember having high hopes when the Phantom Menace trailer came out as well, so I’m cautiously optimistic, but J.J. Abrams sure does seem to get it.”
-Joel Embiid walks onto the court mid-game in street clothes, shouts “SEE HOW JOEL WOULD PLAY!”, and it takes three assistant coaches from each team to corral him back to the sideline. (An additional shot when he tweets about it.)
-Jeremi Grant’s uncle Horace Grant enters the game in his nephew’s jersey and no one notices, like an Eddie Murphy comedy.
-An opposing team’s announcer accidentally refers to the Wells Fargo Center as a “crime scene.”
-Alexey Shved shakes the camera after a buzzer-beating shot and screams “First Team All-NBA! Putin! Putin! I see yoouuuuuuuu!”
-Tony Wroten misses a half-court shot.
-Sam Hinkie turns into a giant octopus, but only for a second.
-Your significant other turns to you angrily after a K.J. McDaniels dunk and yells, “Why can’t you ball like that?”
-Mark Zumoff just goes, “I’ve fucking had it.”
-Brett Brown drops to his knees in front of Joel Embiid and attempts a healing incantation.
-Malik laments that pop music hasn’t been the same since the 90’s R&B movement, but Frank Ocean’s next album might save us yet.
-Up a basket in the final minute, MCW attempts to raise the volume of the crowd so much that he flies out of the Wells Fargo Center roof like a little birdy.
-The 76ers are playing the Celtics, Evan Turner scores in the wrong basket, and he tries to play it off like he did it intentionally.
-The Philadelphia 76ers win a game. May this rule be moved up to the “drink” column for the next decade.