So you may have noticed that we haven’t been recapping games at Hoop76 this season. Sorry about that. But to make up for it and catch you up to speed, here’s a one-sentence summary of every single game — all 10 wins and 72 losses.
October 28th at Boston: L 95-112 – Jahlil Okafor receives the Rookie of the Year award.
October 30th vs. Utah: L 71-99 – The Sixers place Jahlil Okafor on the trade block.
November 2nd vs. Cleveland: L 100-107 – TJ McConnell, in an effort to outshine LeBron’s 25,000th career point, grabs seven rebounds.
November 4th at Milwaukee: L 87-91 – I wouldn’t say Jabari Parker is “in shape.”
November 6th at Cleveland: L 102-108 – LeBron James is not impressed.
November 7th vs. Orlando: L 97-105 – Nobody likes Jason Smith.
November 9th vs. Chicago: L 88-111 – Too much Phil Pressey.
November 11th vs. Toronto: L 103-119 – Anthony Bennett can’t decide where to get a cheesesteak.
November 13th at Oklahoma City: L 85-102 – Jahlil Okafor gets his first crack at his hero, Enes Kanter.
November 14th at San Antonio: L 83-92 – Rasual Butler learns a lot of new names.
November 16th at Dallas: L 86-92 – Dirk Nowitzki is too old for this shit.
November 18th vs. Indiana: L 85-112 – This kicked off the first “Process” Twitter debate of the season.
November 20th at Charlotte: L 88-113 – Brett Brown sends a condescending text message to Sam Hinkie, then announces that Nerlens Noel will come off the bench.
November 21st at Miami: L 91-96 – Brett Brown can’t catch a break.
November 23rd at Minnesota: L 95-100 – “I’m actually glad we didn’t get the first pick.”
November 25th at Boston: L 80-84 – Jahlil Okafor enjoys a quiet night in his hotel room.
November 27th at Houston: L 114-116 – Isaiah Canaan greets his old teammates, but nobody remembers him.
November 29th at Memphis: L 84-92 – This game sets the NBA back 25 years.
December 1st vs. Los Angeles Lakers: W 103-91 – Never a doubt.
December 2nd at New York: L 87-99 – Sixers fans are in denial.
December 5th vs. Denver: L 105-108 – This game started really early for some reason.
December 7th vs. San Antonio: L 68-119 – “Three years? No, you must’ve misunderstood. I said four months.”
December 10th at Brooklyn: L 91-100 – Thaddeus Young feels conflicted.
December 11th vs. Detroit: L 95-107 – We all got way too excited about Kendall Marshall.
December 13th at Toronto: L 96-76 – Nerlens Noel really likes Drake.
December 14th at Chicago: 96-115 – Brett Brown half-jokingly suggests to Jahlil Okafor “If you like Chicago so much, then why don’t you just stay here!”
December 16th at Atlanta: 106-127 – Jahlil Okafor literally walks away from defending a Paul Millsap dunk/I begin to question Sam Hinkie’s job security.
December 18th vs. New York: L 97-107 – Harvey Grant is so moderately proud of his sons.
December 20th at Cleveland: L 86-108 – LeBron James has no idea that JaKarr Sampson is also from Akron.
December 22nd vs. Memphis: L 90-104 – At least the Sixers don’t have to put up with Matt Barnes anymore.
December 23rd at Milwaukee: 100-113 – Wait, where did Phil Pressey go?
December 26th at Phoenix: W 111-104 – The only reason Jerry Colangelo was at this game was because it was blacked out on League Pass in Phoenix.
December 28th at Utah: L 91-95 – TJ McConnell and Nik Stauskas feel oddly comfortable.
December 30th at Sacramento: W 110-105 – Pick. Swaps.
January 1st at Los Angeles Lakers: L 84-93 – Richaun Holmes doesn’t miss Bowling Green one bit.
January 2nd at Los Angeles Clippers: L 99-130 – Jahlil Okafor’s dad yells.
January 4th vs. Minnesota: W 109-99 – “Karl-Anthony Towns is overrated.”
January 7th vs. Atlanta: L 98-126 – The most encouraging 28-point loss in NBA history.
January 9th vs. Toronto: L 95-108 – Although neither plays a minute, Sam Hinkie spends the entire game intensely staring at Bruno Caboclo and Lucas Nogueria.
January 10th vs. Cleveland: L 85-95 – Even the Sixers want David Blatt fired.
January 14th vs. Chicago: L 111-115 (OT) – Jerry Colangelo says, “Hey, maybe we should offer this Butler guy a contract this summer,” as Sam Hinkie contemplates taking up smoking.
January 16th vs. Portland: W 114-89 – Nobody knows whether the Sixers 25-point win or Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill unexpectedly showing up is more surprising.
January 18th at New York: L 113-119 (2OT) – This was the only NBA game on TV for over an hour, meaning every non-Philadelphia media member got their one hour of Sixers for the year.
January 20th at Orlando: W 96-87 – “The Sixers are too good” is a statement I said out loud during this game.
January 24th vs. Boston: L 92-112 – Evan Turner is feeling himself more than usual.
January 26th vs. Phoenix: W 113-103 – The Sixers are undefeated when Nicki Minaj is in attendance.
January 27th at Detroit: L 97-110 – It’s truly unbelievable how bad Nik Stauskas is.
January 30th vs. Golden State: L 105-108 – The “Warriors are getting tired of the regular season” narrative takes off.
February 3rd vs. Atlanta: L 86-124 – TJ McConnell thought Rich Homie Quan was just a nickname for Richaun Holmes this whole time.
February 5th at Washington: L 94-106 – How have we not played the Wizards yet?
February 6th vs. Brooklyn: W 103-98 – Jahlil Okafor plays defense.
February 8th vs. Los Angeles Clippers: L 92-98 (OT) – Ish Smith takes this Chris Paul matchup too seriously.
February 10th vs. Sacramento: L 110-114 – Robert Covington is really excited for The Life of Pablo.
February 19th at New Orleans: L 114-121 – Nobody has any idea what to make of the Ish Smith trade.
February 21st at Dallas: L 103-129 – Jahlil Okafor scores the most pointless 31 points of all time.
February 23rd vs. Orlando: L 115-124 – How many points does Nikola Vucevic have to score for you to care?
February 24th at Detroit: L 91-111 – Nerlens Noel stops caring.
February 26th vs. Washington: L 94-103 – The two fastest point guards in the NBA unfortunately also play with two of the league’s slowest centers.
February 28th at Orlando: 116-130 – Jahlil Okafor is underwhelmed by the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
February 29th at Washington: L 108-116 – Jerry Colangelo can’t remember which Grant Jerami is.
March 2nd vs. Charlotte: L 99-119 – Carl Landry introduces himself to Hollis Thompson.
March 4th vs. Miami: L 102-112 – Elton Brand plays!
March 6th at Miami: L 96-103 – Pat Riley is feeling really good about this season.
March 9th vs. Houston: L 104-118 – We took KJ McDaniels for granted.
March 11th vs. Brooklyn: W 95-89 – Sonny Weems has no idea what he’s doing here.
March 12th vs. Detroit: L 111-125 – Joel Anthony, the one who got away.
March 15th at Brooklyn: L 114-131 – Nobody can spell Bojan Bogdonavic’s name.
March 17th vs. Washington: L 94-99 – Haven’t we already played Washington enough?
March 18th vs. Oklahoma City: L 97-111 – Kevin Durant is a free agent this summer.
March 20th vs. Boston: L 105-120 – Jerry Colangelo really likes Carl Landry’s game.
March 21st at Indiana: L 75-91 – I was one of approximately 57 people in attendance for this game.
March 23rd at Denver: L 103-104 – How on earth is Will Barton not a Sixer?
March 26th at Portland: L 105-108 – Nobody, not even on the Blazers, has any idea who Luis Montero is.
March 27th at Golden State: 105-117 – Christian Wood replaces Pierre Jackson as the Sixers’ Cappadonna.
March 29th vs. Charlotte: L 85-100 – This is not what Elton Brand signed up for.
April 1st at Charlotte: L 91-100 – Nobody laughs at Isaiah Canaan’s April Fool’s joke.
April 2nd vs. Indiana: L 102-115 – Nobody knows that the 6’6” Nik Stauskas can dunk.
April 5th vs. New Orleans: W 107-93 – The calm before the storm…
April 8th vs. New York: L 102-109 – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.
April 10th vs. Milwaukee: L 108-109 (OT) – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.
April 12th at Toronto: L 98-122 – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.
April 13th at Chicago: I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously. (Unless they start winning.)