Apr 14 2016

Recapping Every Single Horrible Sixers Game

So you may have noticed that we haven’t been recapping games at Hoop76 this season. Sorry about that. But to make up for it and catch you up to speed, here’s a one-sentence summary of every single game — all 10 wins and 72 losses.

October 28th at Boston: L 95-112 – Jahlil Okafor receives the Rookie of the Year award.

October 30th vs. Utah: L 71-99 – The Sixers place Jahlil Okafor on the trade block.

November 2nd vs. Cleveland: L 100-107 – TJ McConnell, in an effort to outshine LeBron’s 25,000th career point, grabs seven rebounds.

November 4th at Milwaukee: L 87-91 – I wouldn’t say Jabari Parker is “in shape.”

November 6th at Cleveland: L 102-108 – LeBron James is not impressed.

November 7th vs. Orlando: L 97-105 – Nobody likes Jason Smith.

November 9th vs. Chicago: L 88-111 – Too much Phil Pressey.

November 11th vs. Toronto: L 103-119 – Anthony Bennett can’t decide where to get a cheesesteak.

November 13th at Oklahoma City: L 85-102 – Jahlil Okafor gets his first crack at his hero, Enes Kanter.

November 14th at San Antonio: L 83-92 – Rasual Butler learns a lot of new names.

November 16th at Dallas: L 86-92 – Dirk Nowitzki is too old for this shit.

November 18th vs. Indiana: L 85-112 – This kicked off the first “Process” Twitter debate of the season.

November 20th at Charlotte: L 88-113 – Brett Brown sends a condescending text message to Sam Hinkie, then announces that Nerlens Noel will come off the bench.

November 21st at Miami: L 91-96 – Brett Brown can’t catch a break.

November 23rd at Minnesota: L 95-100 – “I’m actually glad we didn’t get the first pick.”

November 25th at Boston: L 80-84 – Jahlil Okafor enjoys a quiet night in his hotel room.

November 27th at Houston: L 114-116 – Isaiah Canaan greets his old teammates, but nobody remembers him.

November 29th at Memphis: L 84-92 – This game sets the NBA back 25 years.

December 1st vs. Los Angeles Lakers: W 103-91 – Never a doubt.

December 2nd at New York: L 87-99 – Sixers fans are in denial.

December 5th vs. Denver: L 105-108 – This game started really early for some reason.

December 7th vs. San Antonio: L 68-119 – “Three years? No, you must’ve misunderstood. I said four months.”

December 10th at Brooklyn: L 91-100 – Thaddeus Young feels conflicted.

December 11th vs. Detroit: L 95-107 – We all got way too excited about Kendall Marshall.

December 13th at Toronto: L 96-76 – Nerlens Noel really likes Drake.

December 14th at Chicago: 96-115 – Brett Brown half-jokingly suggests to Jahlil Okafor “If you like Chicago so much, then why don’t you just stay here!”

December 16th at Atlanta: 106-127 – Jahlil Okafor literally walks away from defending a Paul Millsap dunk/I begin to question Sam Hinkie’s job security.

December 18th vs. New York: L 97-107 – Harvey Grant is so moderately proud of his sons.

December 20th at Cleveland: L 86-108 – LeBron James has no idea that JaKarr Sampson is also from Akron.

December 22nd vs. Memphis: L 90-104 – At least the Sixers don’t have to put up with Matt Barnes anymore.

December 23rd at Milwaukee: 100-113 – Wait, where did Phil Pressey go?

December 26th at Phoenix: W 111-104 – The only reason Jerry Colangelo was at this game was because it was blacked out on League Pass in Phoenix.

December 28th at Utah: L 91-95 – TJ McConnell and Nik Stauskas feel oddly comfortable.

December 30th at Sacramento: W 110-105 – Pick. Swaps.

January 1st at Los Angeles Lakers: L 84-93 – Richaun Holmes doesn’t miss Bowling Green one bit.

January 2nd at Los Angeles Clippers: L 99-130 – Jahlil Okafor’s dad yells.

January 4th vs. Minnesota: W 109-99 – “Karl-Anthony Towns is overrated.”

January 7th vs. Atlanta: L 98-126 – The most encouraging 28-point loss in NBA history.

January 9th vs. Toronto: L 95-108 – Although neither plays a minute, Sam Hinkie spends the entire game intensely staring at Bruno Caboclo and Lucas Nogueria.

January 10th vs. Cleveland: L 85-95 – Even the Sixers want David Blatt fired.

January 14th vs. Chicago: L 111-115 (OT) – Jerry Colangelo says, “Hey, maybe we should offer this Butler guy a contract this summer,” as Sam Hinkie contemplates taking up smoking.

January 16th vs. Portland: W 114-89 – Nobody knows whether the Sixers 25-point win or Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill unexpectedly showing up is more surprising.

January 18th at New York: L 113-119 (2OT) – This was the only NBA game on TV for over an hour, meaning every non-Philadelphia media member got their one hour of Sixers for the year.

January 20th at Orlando: W 96-87 – “The Sixers are too good” is a statement I said out loud during this game.

January 24th vs. Boston: L 92-112 – Evan Turner is feeling himself more than usual.

January 26th vs. Phoenix: W 113-103 – The Sixers are undefeated when Nicki Minaj is in attendance.

January 27th at Detroit: L 97-110 – It’s truly unbelievable how bad Nik Stauskas is.

January 30th vs. Golden State: L 105-108 – The “Warriors are getting tired of the regular season” narrative takes off.

February 3rd vs. Atlanta: L 86-124 – TJ McConnell thought Rich Homie Quan was just a nickname for Richaun Holmes this whole time.

February 5th at Washington: L 94-106 – How have we not played the Wizards yet?

February 6th vs. Brooklyn: W 103-98 – Jahlil Okafor plays defense.

February 8th vs. Los Angeles Clippers: L 92-98 (OT) – Ish Smith takes this Chris Paul matchup too seriously.

February 10th vs. Sacramento: L 110-114 – Robert Covington is really excited for The Life of Pablo.

February 19th at New Orleans: L 114-121 – Nobody has any idea what to make of the Ish Smith trade.

February 21st at Dallas: L 103-129 – Jahlil Okafor scores the most pointless 31 points of all time.

February 23rd vs. Orlando: L 115-124 – How many points does Nikola Vucevic have to score for you to care?

February 24th at Detroit: L 91-111 – Nerlens Noel stops caring.

February 26th vs. Washington: L 94-103 – The two fastest point guards in the NBA unfortunately also play with two of the league’s slowest centers.

February 28th at Orlando: 116-130 – Jahlil Okafor is underwhelmed by the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

February 29th at Washington: L 108-116 – Jerry Colangelo can’t remember which Grant Jerami is.

March 2nd vs. Charlotte: L 99-119 – Carl Landry introduces himself to Hollis Thompson.

March 4th vs. Miami: L 102-112 – Elton Brand plays!

March 6th at Miami: L 96-103 – Pat Riley is feeling really good about this season.

March 9th vs. Houston: L 104-118 – We took KJ McDaniels for granted.

March 11th vs. Brooklyn: W 95-89 – Sonny Weems has no idea what he’s doing here.

March 12th vs. Detroit: L 111-125 – Joel Anthony, the one who got away.

March 15th at Brooklyn: L 114-131 – Nobody can spell Bojan Bogdonavic’s name.

March 17th vs. Washington: L 94-99 – Haven’t we already played Washington enough?

March 18th vs. Oklahoma City: L 97-111 – Kevin Durant is a free agent this summer.

March 20th vs. Boston: L 105-120 – Jerry Colangelo really likes Carl Landry’s game.

March 21st at Indiana: L 75-91 – I was one of approximately 57 people in attendance for this game.

March 23rd at Denver: L 103-104 – How on earth is Will Barton not a Sixer?

March 26th at Portland: L 105-108 – Nobody, not even on the Blazers, has any idea who Luis Montero is.

March 27th at Golden State: 105-117 – Christian Wood replaces Pierre Jackson as the Sixers’ Cappadonna.

March 29th vs. Charlotte: L 85-100 – This is not what Elton Brand signed up for.

April 1st at Charlotte: L 91-100 – Nobody laughs at Isaiah Canaan’s April Fool’s joke.

April 2nd vs. Indiana: L 102-115 – Nobody knows that the 6’6” Nik Stauskas can dunk.

April 5th vs. New Orleans: W 107-93 – The calm before the storm…

April 8th vs. New York: L 102-109 – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.

April 10th vs. Milwaukee: L 108-109 (OT) – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.

April 12th at Toronto: L 98-122 – I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously.

April 13th at Chicago: I didn’t watch this game. If Josh Harris won’t bother to take my intelligence as a fan seriously, then I won’t take his basketball team seriously. (Unless they start winning.)